I Am Good Enough

enough

enough

enough

I could tell you that I’ve been busy with work and wedding planning. How life in general has been getting so on top of me, I just haven’t found the time to sit down and blog. But I’d be one lying MF.

I’ll be completely honest with you, I haven’t wanted to post anything on my blog for a while because I simply haven’t felt good enough. Over the past 4 months I’ve fallen into a monotonous routine. And somewhere down the line, I fell out of touch with blogging and more importantly myself.

Blazer | Topshop

Camisole | Topshop

Skirt | Mango 

Mules | New Look (sold out – similar here)

Bag | Mango 

Sunglasses | Ray Ban 

| Photography by Alise Jane |

enough

enough

The story starts here.

I go to work, come home, pack my gym bag for the next day. Have dinner, hop into bed to watch TV (despite Sky having 163283 channels I only watched Friends) then eventually have an early night. To be fair, this was my idea of actual bliss to begin with. Working full-time really takes up a lot of my brain-power. And since wedding planning has hit a bit of a lull, being able to come home and completely switch off was heaven. But I slowly got bored of the routine. Classic me. 

I was frustrated because I was bored. Then I was snappy and miserable because I was frustrated about being so bored.

I noticed my drive dissolving and had no real desire to do go out or do anything. The house was a complete mess. But did I tidy? Nope. I tried to write but I literally had nothing to say. I truly hated what I saw in the mirror, so anytime Pete suggested we go out I would moodily decline. When I needed to take pictures for my Instagram content I would talk myself out of it because content creation is at its highest level right now. It wouldn’t be the same quality as everybody else’s, so why bother?

For me, the longer I don’t create content – which I love to do – the more I grow fearful of my abilities. I convince myself that I have nothing to say and the content I put out for people to read won’t be good enough. I procrastinate and avoid all the things I should/want to be doing. And even though I’m learning to manage my guilt for not “achieving” every day a lot better, I still get days where I scold myself for being lazy and failing to get anything done.

It’s a horrible feeling when you feel trapped in your own self-doubt. You want to be at your most productive, smashing goals and winning life. But when you continuously criticise and compare your looks, talent and lifestyle to other people, you start to believe the voice inside your head that tells you you’re not good enough.

Just writing this down reminds me of what a toxic head space I’ve been in and how the negative things I constantly say to myself are not okay. It upsets me just thinking about it because looking back, I was someone who gave up. I gave up trying to make myself happy and instead relied solely on my fiancé to help fix it and make me sassy, Karina again.

Warning: I DON’T ADVISE THIS. But that’s for another time and another blog post.

enough

enough

I genuinely thought maybe it’s the ‘curse of 29’ and I’m going through a quarter-life crisis. On my lowest days I found myself questioning the value of my past achievements. Things happening to me that I thought were pretty fucking awesome, all of sudden seemed nothing compared to what other people my age (and younger) had.

I constantly measure my success to others and annoyingly dwell on all the things I could have done differently. Because me feeling unsatisfied means that I’ve made poor choices somewhere along the way, right?

If I just stuck this out, I’d be where I want to be in my career by now”. “I should of kept up my gym routine, otherwise I’d be snatched to the Gods by now instead of breaking the zips on my clothes”. “OMG I turn 30 next year – OK, so why am I not rich yet, seriously?!”.

It’s clearly my fault because I wasn’t good enough. Yep, definitely sounds like a quarter life crisis.

I remember reading a Cosmopolitan article as a teenager about the celebrities who were going through a pre-30 crisis at 29. One of the celebrities in this article was Matthew Mcconaughey. Now, I swear I’m not making this up. In this article was a picture of Matthew McConaughey playing the bongos outside in his garden, naked whilst smoking a spliff. And how all of this meant that he was at the height of a pre-30 crisis.

I’m not sure what point I’m trying to make by telling you this if I’m honest. But this article really triggered me. Because one: I felt personally attacked. So, am I Matthew Mcconaughey? Two: Can he live?

And three: I call BULLSHIT. Bullshit on being pigeonholed and made to feel like I’m running out of time and going “off the rails” just because I’m turning 30. This isn’t a race, it’s a journey. And there’s still time to pursue anything I damn well want. And if I want to get my life, play the bongos naked and smoke a spliff, then I will. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have my shit together, OK Cosmo? 

So where do I go from here?

Well, I’m ready to break this fear-routine for a start. I’m sick of feeling stifled and scared of what people will think or if I’ll fail. 

I can be my own worst enemy and that’s something I want to work on. I’m ready to learn to loosen my expectations and let go of what I think being 30 means. I want to focus on progress rather than perfection. Because what is perfection anyway?

I affirm from here on out that I am enough. And although I may not be exactly where I want to be, I’m exactly where I need to be. I vow to take care of my mind and the way I speak to myself. Because I AM good enough. And if you’re going through the same thing then please don’t believe everything you think. Because YOU are good enough.

enough

S H O P   T H E   P O S T

  • Ayre

    You can do it! I just know you can 🙂 Start with a smile and the rest will follow. You go girl 🙂 For me, I find that it helps to just talk to a friend or a professional. As long as I talk, it doesn’t matter who it is I’m talking to. I just feel down and depressed when I haven’t heard my own voice in a while.

    https://ariannecruz07.wixsite.com/ayre

    • You’re so right! Talking about it with my partner and my friends has really helped! But also writing has been an amazing release, even though it took me forever because of my writers block. But I’m taking your advice and being thankful for what I have and starting my day off with a massive smile 😀 x

  • The Sunday Mode

    Okay first off just have to put out there that you are absolutely beautiful! Love all of these photos as well and your content, for whatever that’s worth.

    I’m only 23 but I still felt like I could relate to this, fear and being scared has played a huge role in my life and I’m getting to this point where I’m just trying to follow the phrase “feel the fear, and do it anyway” to help me to go for what it is I actually want in life.

    Julia // The Sunday Mode

    • Well, first of all – this is such a lovely comment that need to say thank you so, so much!! Second of all – you are beautiful too and I absolutely adore this phrase! It’s one I’m really going to try and follow myself… there’s so many things I’d love to do but then I talk myself out of them and I want to break that routine because it’s leaving me stuck, and I’m really over feeling that way xxx

  • This was such a beautiful read. Very sad but I loved your honesty. I could really relate to what you said. “It’s not a race – it’s a journey” is so refreshing to hear. It’s true, things will come to you, quickly or slowly. But the speed doesn’t matter.

    I have so many suggestions because I too felt like this for a while and I read so many books on how to get out of the funk.

    I’m sure after publishing this post you felt a bit better? It’s a sign to keep on journalling and express how you’re feeling. Doing more of that will help you understand why you feel so crap.

    I suggest take time to do the things that you used to enjoy. Spend some time visiting old friends or family. Picking up a magazine and reading inspiring articles. Get out of Bristol for the day and surround yourself with nature. Don’t think about creating content. Just focus on creating memories. If you write blog posts that you feel are absolute rubbish, who cares! Not everything has to be perfect. At least you’re doing something productive!

    All you need to remember is that the crappy feeling goes away. And you’re ok where you are right now. Life wouldn’t be a journey if it was all smooth sailing. Life wouldn’t be called a journey!

    You said you thought you’d be rich at 29, but you are rich. Rich in love and experience. Because those people with that money you want are spending every penny to make themselves happy. But you’ve got that happiness already- without loads of money!

    I could talk forever about ways to get out of the funk, but all you need to know is that everyone gets this. Do what you need to do right now, give your body a rest and watch more Friends!

    Kara x | http://www.karachelsie.com

    • I don’t even know where to reply to you first, so I’m going to reply everywhere because you have honestly put such a goofy smile on my face…
      your comment has to be one of the most genuine and loveliest comments I’ve ever read️For you to not only take the time to read my blog post but to also offer such beautiful ideas and advice on how to cope has made my actual day. I can’t thank you enough for shedding some light and positivity on the subject. But also thank you for being SO kind! xxxxx

  • Firstly, thanks for sharing how you feel and what you’ve
    been going through. It can sometimes be hard to open up to friends, let alone the
    general public! I’ve felt like this on many occasions – social media is a
    fantastic space for breeding self-doubt, especially Instagram – sadly, the only
    way I seem to be able to get out of it is to let it get to the point where I
    hate myself so much for wallowing in it that that I’m forced to make a
    change. It’s not easy, and it often involves opening up to people and
    going to the gym (ugh, I HATE going to the gym but annoyingly it does seem to make me feel better). I hope
    that you’ve found some comfort in writing this post, and in knowing that you’re
    not alone, that it’s totally normal and that it’s totally OK to feel this way. It’s moments like this, obstacles like these,
    that often lead to something great! I
    read a bloody brilliant book when I was in a recent downer called The Obstacle
    Is the Way, by Ryan Holiday, if you haven’t read it and are looking for some
    inspiration, I highly recommend it! Hope you start to feel more like your
    beautiful self soon. I love your blog,
    and your style! You don’t need to try
    and be like anyone else, you’re ace, keep doing you xx

    • Thank you for leaving such a wonderful comment Niki! I’m on Amazon right NOW hunting down this book, thank you so much for the recommendation it sounds amazing ? The gym has definitely helped, you’re so right (even though I hate it too haha) and I’m slowly starting to feel myself again the more I open up about it – which at first was SO SCARY but I’m super glad I did. Thank you for taking the time to read and for generally always being so lovely and encouraging on social media ❤️

  • You are amazing…..

  • Karinaaaaaaa! This spoke to me on so many levels I don’t even think you realise how many of us feel this way. I’m 30 in less than 6 months and honestly I can say that has been the driving force behind ALL of my self doubt right now. I constantly question myself as to how I ended up at this age so far from where I imagined I would be.

    It’s so hard in the day and age we live in with the pressures of social media constantly showing us that so many others have ‘got their shit together’ but who says? Deep down we never really know what people are going through as they put on their best face. I say roll on the 30s cos we are about to live our best years!

    You have a great vibe about you, I really am drawn to your posts and the personality that’s shines through them. This feeling will pass and you my friend are FAB!

    Shannon // Shannonkara.com

    • Shut the front door, you’re 30 in 6 months?! You certainly don’t look it you babe lol Honestly, that was such a lovely comment to read you have no idea! I love that my vibe is attracting some amazing people like you who leave the loveliest comments ? I really appreciate it! But can I also just reiterate that you are good enough, and this is just the beginning! x

  • I only just found your blog, but I simply had to comment to this because this post really resonates with me. First of all: whaw, I really needed the hear that ‘you are good enough’ phrase. I believe it is so powerful and we all should tell ourselves this more often. I can really relate to that paralizing feeling of self-doubt you are talking about. I too often feel like nothing I do is good enough, or there’s already someone out there doing the same but better, so why bother. Once your head is in that negative spiraal it’s so hard to get out. I also always feel very much alone in that place, so it’s quite astounding for me that people like you who produce such amazing content can feel exactly the same! So anyway, I’m definitely taking your advice (or at least I’ll try). You just keep on doing what you’re doing, because girl, you’re amazing! Enjoy your journey!

    • This comment put such a goofy happy smile on my face you have no idea… You are definitely NOT alone. I’ve started to write ‘I Am Good Enough’ on my mirror and trust me it really helps! Seeing it visually everyday really makes a difference and installs into my thoughts for the day. I’m so happy you found me and although it’s bittersweet that you can relate, I hope we can move out our comfort zones and go for what we want more! xx